Father's Day Funnies

 My daughter and I went to Macy's yesterday to get her father a present. Apparently we were not the only last-minute shoppers. The store's Men's Department looked like a cyclone had hit it. We eventually picked out a tie and shirt for Diva's dad, which got me thinking about some of the funniest quotes by and about fathers that I've seen in Cyberspace. Here are a few:

• "Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up." - Ray Romano

• "My father only hit me once -- but he used a Volvo." -- Bob Monkhouse

• In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. – Source Unknown

• "There should be a children’s song 'If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.'" - Jim Gaffigan

• "I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say, 'Yeah? When?'” -- Bill Hicks

• "Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?" "But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!" "Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!" – Source Unknown

• "My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic." -- Spike Mulligan

• One evening, while sitting around the dinner table, a little girl looked up and asked her father, "Daddy, you're the boss, right?" Her father was very pleased by this and replied, "Yes." Then, the little girl continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?" – Source Unknown

• “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” - Bill Cosby

• “You gotta love dads. At my wedding, when I tripped on my wedding dress and fell flat on my face, Dad said, 'Don’t worry, you’ll do better next time.'” – Melanie White

Happy Father's Day, Gentlemen!

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Please note that a version of this article appeared on the website:  www.thegeekparent.com.  

The Results Of The Latest Daddy-Daughter Olympics

Welcome To The Daddy-Daughter Olympics!

 Every weekend, it seems, Diva challenges her exceptionally in-shape father to another round of Daddy-Daughter Olympics. I decide on the events and serve as the judge. Below are the events, their descriptions, and the outcomes from the latest competition:

1. Bottom Scooting
   In this match, participants scoot down our hallway on their bottoms. The first one who makes it back to the starting point, wins. 
   Result: Father squeezed Daughter gently against the wall and was sent back to the beginning. Daughter overcame a fit of giggles and easily won.

2. 1-Handed Swiffing
   In this struggle, each person must maneuver either a dry Swiffer or dust mop around the dining room or living room floor using only one hand. The person with the cleanest floor wins.
   Result: Daddy clearly worked toward an immaculate floor, but since he shamlessly blocked his competitor's tool, was disqualified. The 8-year old was the winner.
   
   
3. Sock Sorting
   Since everyone wants matched socks, but no one wants to pair them up, this event consisted of whoever could match the most pairs of socks, correctly, in 5-minutes.
   Result: Dad came back down to the living room in 2 minutes with 3 pair of socks, confident that he had won since Diva was matching willy nilly. What he didn't know was that his rival had gone back and accurately matched the socks. Result: Dad – 2 pair, Diva 10. Captain Confident conceded.
   
   
4. Who Could Put On The Most Clothes In 30 Seconds
   This was a game of volume and dexterity to see who could put on the most clothes in 30 seconds.
   Result: Father was a whiz at piling on the t-shirts, but Diva (aka The Fashionista) pulled ahead by piling on tank tops which were quicker to pile on. Final tally: Dad – 10 shirts + 2 pair of pants, Diva – 14 shirts + 3 pair of shorts + 1 pair of pants.
   
   
5. Hopping On One Foot
   Participants were asked to hop down the hallway and back on one foot.
   Result: Father initially pulled out strong, but decided to cheat half way down the hall. After he checked his opponent into the wall not once, but twice, he was declared a cheater and Diva won. Shame on you, Dad!
   
   
6. Egg On A Spoon Relay
   Challengers were asked to maneuver an obstacle course while balancing a hard-boiled egg (Thank God!) on a teaspoon. Whoever made it back to the finish line without dropping the egg would win.
   Result: Father had a commanding lead, but then decided to viciously throw his opponent's egg to the floor. Disqualification was met with an understanding nod, and Diva won.
   
   
7. Who Could Draw The Best Snowflake
   There are paper snowflakes hanging on the windows of my house. Participants merely had to draw one.
   Result: Father drew a dandelion (?????). Daughter followed directions and drew a snowflake...with a snowman...and a sled. She won. He was recommended for a psychiatric evaluation.
   
   
8. Remote-Controlled Car Obstacle Car
   Members had to maneuver a remote-controlled dune buggy around an obstacle course. Whoever did it in the least amount of time would win.
   Result: This proved tough because the cars drive erratically. Father, for some psychotic reason, threw a blanket down in his opponent's vehicle's way. Daughter won.
   
   
9. Best Of Three In Go Fish
   Three rounds of Go Fish were played. Whoever won 2 out of 3 would be declared the victor.
   Result: Card Shark of a Daughter beat senseless, but at least honest, Dad.
   

10. One-Legged Balancing
    Participants had to balance on one leg while standing on a step-stool. Whoever could balance the longest would win.
    Result: Father pushed the 8-year old over several times. Diva won.
    

Please check back in for another, inevitable, round of Daddy-Daughter Olympics!